How to be a Demigod (sort of)!
by Storm-Eyes-Osprey
Summary: Ever wanted to be a Demigod? well now you can (sort of) with these helpful (and not so helpful) tips! Warning: Storm-eyes-osprey and Storm-eyes-Penguin do not take any responsibility for any injury, damage or extreme hyperactiveness caused by completing these tips! still interested? read on!
1. How to be a Demigod!

Hi! This is Storm here, with a slightly random idea, inspired by a quote that I came up with yesterday, when I had become a serious electrical conductor, and was receiving electric shocks from every piece of metal within a close range for the whole day. After coming up with the quote, my brother has been insisting that I wrote this, and I refused, until he threatened me with forcing me to listen to 'One Direction' (no offence, but I can't stand them), so I gave in, so here I am, writing this with added comments in bold by my brother, who has nicknamed himself 'Storm-eyes-penguin' **(Hi, I'm in bold, and Storm-eyes-penguin is a **_**super**_** macho name, so don't judge me.)** On that note, we have kidnapped Jason to make him say the disclaimer. Go on!

Jason: do I have to?

**Storm-eyes-penguin: *gives death glare and pulls out celestial bronze sword* care to reconsider?**

Jason: fine! Storm-eyes-osprey and Storm-eyes-penguin don't own Percy Jackson or the Heroes of Olympus. *Rolls eyes* happy now?

**Storm-eyes-penguin: Fine, Superman, but you can find your own way back to Camp.**

Jason: *flies away*

Storm-eyes-osprey: now that that is out of the way, on with the fanfic!

How to be a Demigod (ish)

Child of Zeus: Shuffle your feet really hard on a carpet, and feel the lightning! **(aka: staticy stuff)**

Child of Poseidon: Carry a water gun around in your pocket. **Enemies: prepare to get drenched!**

Child of Hades: if you have one, insist that your pet dog is a Hellhound. **Also, perfect your death stare *glares creepily at the computer screen***

Child of Hera: act queenish. **Or, just cease to exist!**

Child of Demeter: Comment on the nutritional values of cereal whenever possible, and talk plant language. **For extra authenticity, carry fertiliser. Everywhere.**

Child of Ares: punch things. **'nuff said? **

Child of Athena: read, strategize, plan, talk architecture. **Also, being a nerd helps. **Shut up.

Child of Apollo: Carry a flashlight in your pocket to simulate sun power when angry. **Basically, wave bright things in people's faces. Also, write awful haikus. **

Child of Artemis: wear a lot of silver and generally scorn boys. **I take offense from that.**

Child of Hephaestus: carry random wires and metal bits around, and fiddle with them at strange intervals, even if you have no idea what you are doing with them. **Also, 'forge' plastic swords in your bedroom (more fun than it sounds!)**

Child of Aphrodite: Give dating advice, and gossip. **Trust me. They gossip a **_**LOT!**_

Child of Hermes: Prank, steal, and selotape a pair of paper wings to your shoes. **Also, eating lots of Haribos makes you run faster, but also results in a massive sugar rush *grins manically whilst attempting to hide an empty pack of Tangfastics*.**

Child of Dionysus: Eat grapes, wear purple and paaarrtyyy!** Note: being a child of Dionysus does not give you an excuse to drink wine if you are under 18. Trust me, you get weird looks if you tell a bartender you can drink wine because you are the child of a wine god.**

Child of Iris: one word: **rainbows**

Child of Hypnos: Sleep, sleep, sleep and…..sleep! **Also….sleep!**

Child of Hecate: Shout random incantation things in Latin, and insist that your best friend is a mistform. **When people doubt that, show them a notebook with an outline of a person in, and tell them that you can summon them back into the notebook, but if you do, monsters will attack you.** Warning: this may also result in strange looks from the general public (aka: mortals)** they will cower under my supreme, macho penginess!**

And that, fellow mortals and demigods, is how to pretend to be a demigod, and the sort of crazy stuff that happens when you get me and my brother to collaborate. **I'm fed up of being friendly! *pulls out water gun and squirts storm-eyes-osprey*** Hey! *also grabs water gun, and starts massive waterfight with water balloons and water guns*

10 minutes later…..

*Throws last water balloon* don't forget to review!

***Peeks up from behind the sofa* and Favourite! *Gets hit by water balloon, and ducks back behind the sofa* **

Storm-eyes-penguin is not a real account, but (unfortunately) my brother is real, and feel free to suggest ideas!

The end…. For now!

Storm (X2)!


	2. Make your house like camp!

How to make your home like camp!

"**Jason! Do the disclaimer again, hon" *speaks in a trashy Drewish accent***

Jason: "Yes, Drew! Wait… You're not Drew! It's my kidnapper again!"

***brings out Laser-of-disclaimer-Jason-do-it-or-I-kill-you* "Care to reconsider, again?"**

Jason: "No! Never"

***Grins Manically Manic grin* " I guess Piper won't mind it if I kill her then,"**

Jason: "Anything for Piper!" *wipes tears away*

"**Do it!"**

"Storm Eyes Osprey and Penguin don't own Percy Jackson And The Olympians Or The Heroes Of Olympus, Though they did beg Rick to give it t…" ***Smacks Jason*** *brings out sword*

"**Now fly away and save your girlfriend with your flying un-supremacy"**

"Now that's over with let's start on these tips!"

**Selotape the chosen cabin number to your door and be obliged to protest that it **_**IS **_**a cabin when your parents tell you to go to your "room".**

**Find a doll and wrap it in toilet paper, then get a three legged stool and place the doll on top, take it to your attic whilst claiming it's the oracle.**

**When you're parents come past shout "Tidy up guys! It's the Harpies!"**

Find a bathmat or towel and hang it from any available, tree-like object, and when removed, proclaim in horror that you could have killed Thalia by moving the Golden Fleece. **I did that… my mum thought I was crazy… But I suppose I am anyway…**

Insist on putting some of your food in the bin each night, and tell everyone that the bin is a sacred brazier to the gods, and that you are sending an offering to (insert godly parent's name). _**Never**_** offer fish to Poseidon. It doesn't go down well…**

**Keep a stash of sweets in your room, labelled 'Ambrosia'.** If anyone other than you tries to eat them, yell loudly that they will burn to dust.

If you have siblings and you spot them up after bed-time, sneak up behind them and whisper quietly in a creepy voice: "You're breaking the curfew… The harpies will eat you now…" **Seriously, she tried that on me once. Scarred for life…**

Insist that the postman works for Hermes.** Also, ask for Hydra shaped mints**. Sea of monsters reference… Choose the- **BLUE ONES! **I was going to say that… *tightens grip on sword hilt*

Carry a toy sword around with you. Everywhere. ** Also, if told to put it away, either protest that a monster could kill you, or grab a random object, throw the sword to one side, and proclaim that it is disguised to prevent suspicion. **

When a stranger walks up to your door, discretely perform the sign forwarding away evil to prevent a monster attack. **Or, do it Storm-eyes-penguin style and yell 'Monster breaching the boundaries!'**

**Pretend to be Leo Valdez, that you're cellar is Bunker 9 and that there is a Massive ship called the Argo II inside it.** Or if you don't have a cellar, set up bunker under your bed.

**When one of your parents drinks wine, say "Mr D! I thought you gave that up ages ago!"**

**Play Capture The Flag **_**EVERY **_**Friday with your parents, siblings or pets**. If they protest, threaten to put them on bathroom duty.

**If you have a dog, Say it's a Hellhound called Ms O'leary**, a horse, insist that it is a Pegasus, or a pet bird, call it a stymphalian bird. **Or if you really want to be crazy, call it Festus.**

Move all the laptops, computers and phones into one room and say that if they are used anywhere else, they will attract monsters. **And if anyone moves them, yell at them. Loudly.**

Finally, when the phone rings, shout loudly: "Will somebody answer the Iris Message!?" **Great way to get on people's nerves!**

Now, next time, we won't be able to kidn- sorry, _borrow, _Jason, because we just received an angry IM from Piper saying that if we did, she would charmspeak us into jumping into Tartarus, so this time, we are capturing Percy and Annabeth!

**Kidnapping of Percy and Annabeth:**

***Sneaks up on them when there kissing***

*Prepares to knock Annabeth out with a wet flannel*

***Brings out The-Percynator-Whackor-NotABaseballBat-Disclaimertron-3000***

**Percy: Argh! Who ar… *Smacks Percy "Very lightly"* **

**Annabeth: MMMMmmnm! *Muffled words under the flannel"**

**Storm Eyes Penguin: To the Chopper!**

Storm Eyes osprey: We don't have one!

**Both: To the Pegasi/Beach Donkey!**

***Flies/walks home*** The donkey belongs to the penguin! He wasn't born to fly! ***Slaps storm-eyes-osprey* ***slaps him back*

Pegasus: Stop fighting! **(We're children Poseidon. We can understand horseish)**

"**Time to get Disclaimering"**

**Intro and bold by stormy penguin!** Seriously? Stormy penguin!? Anyway, we need ideas on what to do in the next chapter, so leave them in a review or send me a PM (_not_ an IM)! **Follow, Favourite and Review! Or I will get the 'I-kill-u-if-u-no-reveiwatron-wektangle-3000000000' and zap you! *manically manic grin* ** *Is severely creeped out* ***laughs crazily* ***grabs water gun, squirts at his face and runs* ** !£?$% ***whilst running* Revieeewww!

Storm (X2)!


	3. Make random things Demigodish!

Random things + imagination=….. Demigod tools/ items!

"**Percy! Wake up you broken down Festus!"**

Percy: Go to Hades! Oww… I feel like I've been possessed by an Elidon..

Annabeth: What the Hades… Where are we…

"**Marks and spe…. I mean a secret chamber deep in the depths of a random place… Yeah… I can't lie …"**

Percy: "So… You want us to do the disclaimer for the story… Ooh! Look! A The-Percynator-Whackor-NotABaseballBat-Disclaimertron-3000 ™! I swear I _have_ seen one of them before…

"**Do the disclaimer! " *Brings out Silence-I-Kill-You-Unless-You-Do-The-Disclaimer-For-The-Thing-So-Say-The-Thing-Or-I-Kill-You-With-Silence-P.s-I-Like-Twains-Dat-Run-On-Twacks 30000 **(Leo Valdez made it! He is in league with us… we DEFFINITELY didn't force him into making it or anything… *coughs awkwardly*)

Percy: "O-h-h-h-Kay… Both the Storms **Do not** own anything they do not own, like Percy Jackson or The Heroes of Olympus. Happy now you piece of monster dust? Now go wash your self away in the Little Tiber.

"**Get out!"**

Right… on with the tips!

Rolling pins make great Cyclops clubs. **Just wear sunglasses, and whack things! **Not people though, that would be dangerous! ***hums guiltily***

Ukulele's and guitars make good 'lyres' for any children of Apollo out there! **To go Apollo style and pair it up with bad Haikus, twist the tuning pegs randomly until it sounds horrific!**

Megaphones are great for yelling out commands! **Or to just alert when monsters breach the boundaries!**

Simple equation: **Sweets= ambrosia! **(Same healing effect!)

Another simple equation: **Haribos= child-of-Hermes-awsomesauce speed!**

Paper rolled up into cones makes great **(However severely non-functional)** Cornucopias!

Two words: **Plastic sword. **

**Go unicorn-style and stick hairpins in your hair like horns! And fart rainbows!** Thankyou for that….. interesting….. piece of advice….. I think….? Okay, fine, just WHAT THE HADES STORMY PENGUIN?!** It works! Don't judge me!**

Torches are _obviously_ the sources of Apollo's sun power!

**A note to children of Athena: **Carry bug spray! I think it works on spiders….

Plants prove child of Demeteryness. **Wow. Demeteryness. *claps veeeeerrrryyyy slowly***

You know those wooden bows you get in National Trust sites? Great for Hunters of Artemis and children of Apollo! **Also, if you want to go Frank Zhang on people, stick weird stuff to the ends of arrows to make them 'special'!**

Bedsheets make great togas, for any camp Jupiter Demigods out there! **This is from experience! We had a Roman day at our school, and had to dress up in togas and act like Romans! **I remember that! We had Roman names to, didn't we? Drawn out of a hat? **Oh my Gods. I just remembered that my Roman name was Octavian….** Run teddy bears! Run for your lives!** Don't worry! I'm not going to murder any beanie babies! Though, my teacher did have to confiscate my sword, because, apparently, my swordfighting was too realistic…** Yeah… I carried a knife (cardboard, of course) in my toga all day. Demigod instincts!

Finally, it is pretty much compulsory to turn any orange T-shirts into CHB ones!** Seriously, why do I not look good in orange. ***whispers* you don't look good in anything!

**Well, that's pretty much it for that chappie! **Thanks to Graystorm11 for the idea! **Intro and bold by meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!** Too many 'ees!' **Fine then! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!** You, are officially mental.** Yep! **Anyway, we still need ideas!

**Also, Just a random thing to keep things random, while we were writing this, a random person, I think it was someone checking out things for redecorating, came into our house, **but me and Stormy Penguin promptly put down the computer, ran out of the room, did the sign for warning away evil, and ran back in the room before they had any idea of what the Hades was happening! **I almost did my signature 'MONSTER BREACHING THE BOUNDARIES' , but Stormy Osprey shoved her hand over my mouth and dragged me out! **That, my friends is what happens when you are a Demigod. Harmless decoraters have the possibility to turn into a Fury. **Welcome to crazyness!**

**Follow**, Favourite and **Review!**

Storm (X2!)


	4. Be a Demigod in Public!

**How to act like a Demigod in Public!**

This time we have kidnapped…. **Ella the Harpy… this could be interesting!**

**StormdaPenguiscewl: Bob.**

**StormyOspy: Why did you say that?**

**SpecialPengu: Cos I can, so you got a problem with that cos I don't have a problem with that so you shouldn't have a problem with that and we need to do the disclaimer or I'll sue myself with a Sueyourself1.0.**

**Ella: One cannot simply capture a harpy**

**StormEyespenguin: Lotr! I'm so dam kawaii today so let's get dam started so say dam or I silence you with bubble gum and rainbow unicorns!**

And that, my friends, is what happens when Stormy Penguin eats too much sugar…

**StormyP: *Wraps pink cloak of manliness and holds out pencil to Ella* I am your manly leader and you will obey me so do the disclaimer so shazz..shaaa…shaaaaa…shazaaaaa…shazzza… shazam!**

Ella: Disclaimer…commercial law a statement refusing to accept responsibility for something, e.g. a denial of legal liability for any injury associated with a product…. ***Collapses on the floor* too. Much. In. for. Mation! Sugar ruuuuuuussssshhhhhh…**

Stormy: And that is the old Ella back… I'm guessing that that is her way of saying yes so… Onwards!

When the weather is not to your liking, complain loudly to Zeus. **Da big boyz getting angry..!**

Constantly try to predict who your friend's godly parents are, even if they aren't Demigods! **My friends are: Child of Dionysus, three children of Hermes and a child of Athena (Smart ar**… you know what I mean! :/) **

Compliment Iris on her rainbows. **SO KAWAII!**

Act wary around unnaturally tall people, especially with tattoos. **Lastigonians are everywhere! **

Stick with small guys who love enchiladas…. **AKA: Satyrs! **

When stroking someone's pet dog, state 'Lovely Hellhound!'

Try to Shadow-travel through trees in the park. ** *Lets out muffled groan* Children of Poseidon… DON'T TRY THIS!**

Instead of 'Oh my God' and 'What the Hell', use 'Oh my Gods' and 'What the Hades' **Great way to get strange looks! ** I know! A little while ago, my friend kept knocking my stuff on the floor in the middle of her house-block, and I shouted really loudly: "Gods, (insert friends name)! What the Hades?!" Everyone just turned and stared at me… It was really embarrassing!

Upon seeing cheerleaders, wonder loudly: **Empousa?**

At random moments, follow people with your gaze and murmur just loudly enough for people to hear: "Thank the Gods for the Mist…"** Another awesome way to convince people that you are completely bonkers.**

Every History lesson, ask your teacher if you're going to be learning about Greek mythology. **If they say yes, say smugly to your friends: "My speciality."**

Take your toy sword outside with you, and stab random trees for practice.

Curse to Apollo when it isn't sunny on a day you need it to be. ** Fboop you Apollo!**

Insist on taking up Fencing, archery or some other self-defence, then, when they show you a new move, ask if it will be effective on (insert monster name).

**Upon seeing a tall guy with a Cat, ask in wonder "Bob? You're alive?"**

Avoid holes in the ground with a passion. **Tartarus could be lurking anywhere….**

If you ever visit the Empire state building walk confidently to the front desk and ask for the 600th floor. When they deny, follow the procedures in the book.

Be wary in lifts, and insist on staying nowhere near the doors.

Go 'Leo Valdez' Style in technology class. **Basically, build stuff you aren't meant to, and throw screws across the classroom. **

That's it for today! Enjoy the Kidnapping of Leo Valdez!

StormyO: Where the Hades is StormyP….

***Charges in on Unicorn holding Vibroblade and shouting 'KAWAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!' at the top of his lungs***

Leo: What the…?!

StormyO: You Just gave us away! So much for stealth!

**StormyP: I have a upside-down tongue on my name! p:! YOLO!  
**StormyO: Shut up and Grab Valdez!

**Stormy Upside down tongue P:** **For Yolo Swag! *Grabs Leo and puts him in a sack* Get on mah Horse Boy!**

Leo: *Sets himself on fire*

StormyO: Hahaha! It's fire-proof! *Shoves Bag on Unicorn* GoGoGoGo! *Jumps on own Pegasus Raven*

Both: *Flies away to secret base *coughMarksandSpencerscough*

**Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiwwwwwwwwwwwwww!** What he said, but with less repetitive letters!

**Sorry for not updating in Pegasi years!** (Demigod way of saying 'Donkeys years' )

Bye! **Bold and intro by meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, StormyPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP (cos' I can rhyme, and it's not a crime!)** you sound like Apollo gave you the poem curse. **Hey! That's not okay! ***slaps him*

Anyhoo…. Bye!

Storm (X2)


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